Recently work has been tough. I find my myself working longer hours and feel like it’s getting me no where. So when the Christmas holidays arrived I thought I’d finally have the chance to breathe, if only for a little while. Instead I find myself in the midst of a family who are slowly suffocating me. The atmosphere in my house is sucking very ounce of happiness from me, and on most days I can rise above it, I can close myself off to my happy thoughts, but there’s only so many bullets I can dodge, some days my family are right on target and they manage to drag me down with them. 

I’ve really tried to make sense of their behaviour. To understand why they act like monsters and put all their energy into breaking each other’s spirit instead of looking to better themselves, but truly, no sense can be made of it. They have not only ruined each other’s lives (namely my parents) but they are in the process of doing that to each of their children. They are completely selfish – only seeing their own hurt and not even realising that they are the prime cause of it. Never for a moment have either of them considered another person’s perspective – and if they have, it clearly hasn’t been important enough for them to change their ways. My dad has never asked himself ‘how might my daughter view men having witnessed years of me verbally and emotionally abusing my wife?’ and my mum has never asked herself ‘what kind of message do I send to my children having remained in an unhappy marriage for the past 35 years?’. Is this the life we should expect for ourselves – a life of misery and heartache?  Should I expect my husband to swear at me or about me, and accept that as my lot? These are the daily lessons I am taught within my household, by the two people who claim to love me the most.

This holiday my parents have destroyed me. Their behaviour has drained me of all my positivity and reduced me to floods of tears. Do I believe that by writing this (and potentially showing it to them) that something will suddenly change? No, I don’t. What I believe is that I can change, that in fact, I have to change. I have to remove myself from this environment and discover a part of the world which embraces and encourages people to seek happiness and find fulfilment. Life is a choice for us all, and we either choose to sink or to swim..